There are days I wake up and I miss my husband so much I feel like I can’t breathe. Then there are those days that my phone gets switched to silent and I pretend for just a small moment, I don’t have to be a part of this team. That’s what our family is, a team. A group of people that always have each others backs and are full of unconditional love. In those moments when it’s not always easy I have to focus on the moments that are. As most of you know, this is mine & my husbands second time at this marriage thing. We messed it up last time, pretty bad. We didn’t protect each other, we didn’t put each other first, we took each other for granted. I swore that if I ever got the chance to do this over, I’d make our marriage a priority. It’s a lot harder to think as a couple than most people realize and I have a really hard time remembering I’m not just me. I’m really good with money, he isn’t. He’s really good with discipline & control, I’m not. We balance each other out but we also press each others buttons, ALOT! I hate arguing but it happens. In those moments I try to take a step back and realize that one of us has to be willing to bend. Why can’t it be? I’m stubborn & I never want to admit I’m wrong but sometimes I am. (Don’t tell him I admitted that) Sometimes he bends and that’s when I really know he loves me. Marriage is not a job but it’s not a cake walk either. When your young you picture marriage like a Disney movie but it’s a little more like Wes Craven & Jud Apatow collaborated on it instead. Everyday I realize how lucky I am that someone chose to put up with my crazy behind and that he chooses to love me. I may not be perfect, neither is he but together we make chaos look good.
Let me start this journey off by saying being a mom is the best job in the world! Being a “good” mom isn’t always easy, fun or all sparkles & kisses but in all its glory it teaches you how to be a better person in spite of yourself. When I look back at the start of my mom journey, I see lots of: TV dinners, cartoons, dirty laundry and past due bills. My daughter however remembers: themed movie nights, our monthly breakfasts at Denny’s (total splurge) and her head long dive into the love of books. I started this mom thing as a single mom for over three years. I made mistakes but I wouldn’t change a single moment in our lives. I was twenty and completely oblivious of what being a mom meant but I knew I couldn’t let her down. I went to college full time, worked full time and spent every moment I could with this crazy princess that I lived with. Did we have a lot? No. Did we go ALOT of places? Absolutely. We journeyed through books, we visited many countries through my journey to learn to cook and she went with me through every dark whole I fell in. I’m not proud of the darkness, it just kinda sneaks up on me. Meds, no meds it’s all up to me to push through. The princess never witnessed the worst but the bad couldn’t have been easy either. Even now she can just tell when a day is not going to be a “me” day and she pushes me. BiPolar?!?! Why me? It’s hereditary, it happens and you just learn to live. It doesn’t define me, it may try to hold me back but I can kick some serious ass when I need to. I met my husband when my daughter was three and after a quick courtship we had a son and a new marriage. Coping with a new path was as hard as it was rewarding for both of us. We survived for a while with him ignoring my “crazy” days and me ignoring his lack of knowledge on the situation and no empathy. When our son was five we divorced and the kids & I started all over again. During our marriage I tried medication to save myself from loosing my husband, my kids and my sanity. In the process I became a shell of my former self and just fell into the darkness, gladly. The divorce was crushing, moving back to my parents a blow to my dignity and I let my kids down, my rock bottom. I found a new job, bought a home and the kids I moved on. I finally found a way to stop the meds and teach myself to see the signs. Through growth spiritually and mentally I am better person and the mom I knew I could be. My ex husband and I decided to try us again and we remarried this past year. There are times when the darkness finds me but now I know it doesn’t have to consume me. I know being out there, involving myself in my kids and putting my faith & family first I can accomplish whatever I put this BiPolar mind to. So that’s me and like always: I Promise I Won’t Loose it, well I’ll try anyways.