Forgive this crazy ramble but I need to let some stuff go. So I’m learning as I get older that “friend” is a term you use more loosely as an adult then we ever did as a kids. Facebook friends, Instagram friends, Blogging friends…. most of these people we’ve never met or haven’t seen since highschool or are friends of friends of friends & what does that mean exactly? When we are younger a friend was one of like maybe five people you would tell your darkest secrets, depended on in “hard” times,(in no way do I belittle the situations we go through as children but a majority of us don’t know what real hard times are yet), and ran to to tell every important moment to. Now I realize as I troll through Facebook and yes I said troll because honestly that’s what a lot of us do, that I am comparing myself to everyone in my Facebook family. Friend A is such a better mom than me, look at her crafting, baking from scratch and staying home with her beautiful kids. I’m so jealous! Look at Friend B having an amazing career, traveling to all these places and basically kicking ass at life. I’m so jealous! Why do we do this? We have no idea what is actually going on in these people’s lives, most of the time. We are all given a blessing to live the lives we have but we are also in control of what we let people see. Let’s be upfront now a majority of us want to post the perfect moments, not the messy crazy moments in our lives. When I post those crazy moments I’m always worried about the judgement police, even on my good moments I look at my baseboards, looking for dirty dishes, shoes out of place so I can fix them before I post pics or describe my day. But that’s not really my life, my life is crazy, chaotic and absolutely made for me. I have realized in the past few weeks that social media has taken on a way bigger role in my life than it should and when I do go back that friend list is going to narrow greatly and honesty is what your getting from me. I want to be unguarded around my actual friends & I don’t want that worry to be there because the people that have blessed my life know the real me. It will also play less of role in my life. It’s insane that the amount of time I let it take from my family. I’m going through a crazy journey with my faith and the more I dig through to find myself the more I see what is blocking my path. I won’t give up social media completely because I love to stay in touch with distant family annd the amazing friends I do love having in my life. I’m here but that means here, PRESENT in my life, in my husbands life, my kids lives and my walk with God.
Why is it that no matter which member of my family is sick, stressed or has something going on, I am the one who can’t sleep. My little one has been running a fever off & on all week but sleep doesn’t elude him. My oldest will be in her first role on the actual stage next week (usually she does tech), where is she? Passed out. My loving, hard working husband had his whole weekend plan for work totally re arranged and he’s probably snoring up a storm in his truck as I write. I however can not get my over worked, over stressed bi-polar brain to shut down long enough to sleep. It’s crazy because as soon as I wake up every morning, I’m ready to go back to sleep. As my day progresses the one thing I look forward to the most is going to sleep. I find myself canceling plans with friends so I can sleep. Sleeping seems to be my coping mechanism now a days and I can’t cope if I can’t sleep. I feel like a junkie with the amount of Benadryl I’ve taken lately(honestly though it’s like a two a night maybe twice a week). I’ve started to learn to push past what feels like total exhaustion & power forward. I actually asked my husband if we could rent a hotel room for valentines weekend and just sleep all weekend. No cleaning, no interruptions just 72 hours of unintrupted sleep. I’m starting to realize that we all crave what we can’t have & what we think we are lacking the most. I am blessed with amazing kiddos, great friends & family and a very patient husband maybe if I remember those things my brain will realize it’s all going to be ok and sleep will find me. Until then I’ll be falling in love with sparkly, moody vampires & cuddling with my dog.
Why does a piece of crappy paper run everything? Wether we can go on family vacation, pay our bills or even get through a day without an argument over something that should be so minimal. Denying my kids opportunities because I don’t “work hard enough” kills a little piece of me. My husband works away from home 90% of the year and I hate it but it’s a sacrifice we make as parents to make money to support our family. Now don’t get me wrong money does buy nice things like shelter, a car, electricity but it causes more headaches then I can count. I look forward to the times when we can pay our bills (on time) and still have money left in our account but those times are few & far between. These days you have to take a loan out on your home to go to the movies, the zoo or even get a decent dinner out. It frustrates me to the point that I asked my parents if I could be twelve again and move back home. The answer as you can guess was NO! I just wish opportunities were based on how hard you work, how appreciative you are to get them and what you do in the future once your afforded them. I guess what I’m saying is money sucks but we can’t really live without it. I may never be able to jump on a private jet and take my kids to Rome, Cairo or even Alaska but I will keep working as hard as I can to give my kids what they need. One day my husband will be home with us every night, my kiddos will make it into college and I can finally take a breath. Until then money may still cause problems but I vow to try and take a step back & realize how lucky I am to have my “happy”/healthy family.
There are days I wake up and I miss my husband so much I feel like I can’t breathe. Then there are those days that my phone gets switched to silent and I pretend for just a small moment, I don’t have to be a part of this team. That’s what our family is, a team. A group of people that always have each others backs and are full of unconditional love. In those moments when it’s not always easy I have to focus on the moments that are. As most of you know, this is mine & my husbands second time at this marriage thing. We messed it up last time, pretty bad. We didn’t protect each other, we didn’t put each other first, we took each other for granted. I swore that if I ever got the chance to do this over, I’d make our marriage a priority. It’s a lot harder to think as a couple than most people realize and I have a really hard time remembering I’m not just me. I’m really good with money, he isn’t. He’s really good with discipline & control, I’m not. We balance each other out but we also press each others buttons, ALOT! I hate arguing but it happens. In those moments I try to take a step back and realize that one of us has to be willing to bend. Why can’t it be? I’m stubborn & I never want to admit I’m wrong but sometimes I am. (Don’t tell him I admitted that) Sometimes he bends and that’s when I really know he loves me. Marriage is not a job but it’s not a cake walk either. When your young you picture marriage like a Disney movie but it’s a little more like Wes Craven & Jud Apatow collaborated on it instead. Everyday I realize how lucky I am that someone chose to put up with my crazy behind and that he chooses to love me. I may not be perfect, neither is he but together we make chaos look good.
Let me start this journey off by saying being a mom is the best job in the world! Being a “good” mom isn’t always easy, fun or all sparkles & kisses but in all its glory it teaches you how to be a better person in spite of yourself. When I look back at the start of my mom journey, I see lots of: TV dinners, cartoons, dirty laundry and past due bills. My daughter however remembers: themed movie nights, our monthly breakfasts at Denny’s (total splurge) and her head long dive into the love of books. I started this mom thing as a single mom for over three years. I made mistakes but I wouldn’t change a single moment in our lives. I was twenty and completely oblivious of what being a mom meant but I knew I couldn’t let her down. I went to college full time, worked full time and spent every moment I could with this crazy princess that I lived with. Did we have a lot? No. Did we go ALOT of places? Absolutely. We journeyed through books, we visited many countries through my journey to learn to cook and she went with me through every dark whole I fell in. I’m not proud of the darkness, it just kinda sneaks up on me. Meds, no meds it’s all up to me to push through. The princess never witnessed the worst but the bad couldn’t have been easy either. Even now she can just tell when a day is not going to be a “me” day and she pushes me. BiPolar?!?! Why me? It’s hereditary, it happens and you just learn to live. It doesn’t define me, it may try to hold me back but I can kick some serious ass when I need to. I met my husband when my daughter was three and after a quick courtship we had a son and a new marriage. Coping with a new path was as hard as it was rewarding for both of us. We survived for a while with him ignoring my “crazy” days and me ignoring his lack of knowledge on the situation and no empathy. When our son was five we divorced and the kids & I started all over again. During our marriage I tried medication to save myself from loosing my husband, my kids and my sanity. In the process I became a shell of my former self and just fell into the darkness, gladly. The divorce was crushing, moving back to my parents a blow to my dignity and I let my kids down, my rock bottom. I found a new job, bought a home and the kids I moved on. I finally found a way to stop the meds and teach myself to see the signs. Through growth spiritually and mentally I am better person and the mom I knew I could be. My ex husband and I decided to try us again and we remarried this past year. There are times when the darkness finds me but now I know it doesn’t have to consume me. I know being out there, involving myself in my kids and putting my faith & family first I can accomplish whatever I put this BiPolar mind to. So that’s me and like always: I Promise I Won’t Loose it, well I’ll try anyways.